


McMistake

by ContrivedCircus



Series: Hunter x Hell [3]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Big Mac - Freeform, Crack, McDonald's, McFlurry - Freeform, Not Beta Read, Other, Segway - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 23:00:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13691634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ContrivedCircus/pseuds/ContrivedCircus
Summary: Hisoka McWanders into a McDonald's on his Segway for a delicious treat.





	McMistake

The Segway™ hums as he approaches the counter. Around him, other patrons make willful attempts to avert their gaze. However, it is quite difficult to look away from what appears to be a buff, six foot clown on a Segway™.    
  
The motorized vehicle grants several more inches to his height, allowing him to tower over the five foot cashier of the McDonalds. Gazing up at Hisoka from behind the counter, the cashier clears her throat.    
  
“Welcome to McDonalds. What can I get for you?”   
  
Nearby, parents grab their young children, urging them to neither point nor stare at the bizarre man on the Segway. The other employees in the back, quietly hiss for other employees to come take a look. This is surely a sight to behold. From somewhere behind him, the sound of a camera shutter can be heard.   
  
“Hello~. I’d McLike an M&M McFlurry™, and a Big Mac™ meal. Ah,  But I prefer my fries McExtra crispy if you know what I mean.” The jester smiles down at the cashier, her mask impenetrable as she types in his order.    
  
“I definitely know what you mean, sir. How would you like to pay?” The cashier has no idea what he means.   
  
Reaching into his back pocket, the magician pulls out his wallet, a few packets of Taco Bell hot sauce falling out.   
  
“Oh, my collection…” There is a slight dismay in his tone as he gazes down at the scattered packets. Raising his gaze back to the cashiers, he extends his card.    
  
“Uh, thank you.” The cashier glances back at her coworkers before running the card, handing it back to the jester as the receipt prints.    
  
“Ok, you’re gonna be number forty-four. We’ll call you when your order is ready.”   
  
Taking his receipt, the magician thanks the girl before backing up his Segway™, the machine happily humming as it carries him the two feet he must travel to the order pick-up. As he waits at the counter, he pays no mind to the near crowd which has gathered to observe the oddity.   
****  
A few others dare to place their orders, glancing every so often at Hisoka, who is still gazing with dismay at his Taco Bell hot sauce packets. Even the green one which had been given to him by Illumi; now laid in misery on the floor in front of the counter. The sight upsets him, his depression only sated by the call of his order number.    
  
“Forty-four!”    
A brown tray is shoved across the counter, all of his food seemingly there.    
  
“McThank you~.” Hisoka smiles, picking up the tray with one hand, he does not look before beginning to back up. Something strikes him in the back of his legs from behind, the Segway™ ride suddenly becoming oddly bumpy. Glancing down, the jester notices a child sprawled on the dirty tile floor. After ensuring his McFlurry™ is okay, he drops a fry on the child as retribution before driving away.    
  
“Oops.” He mumbles as other patrons crowd the child.    
  
The journey across the dining room is far less bumpy, Hisoka makes a point of driving to the furthest, most private corner before stopping next to a table. Setting down his tray first, he reluctantly dismounts his new favorite toy. Segways™ really beat running everywhere. Perhaps there is a cross-country Segway™ team he can join?    
  
Taking a seat at the table, he opens up his Big Mac™, licking his lips as he presses lightly on the spongy bun. A few sesame seeds fall off, littering the bottom of the cardboard container, it is no matter, he will retrieve them one way or another later on.    
  
Spreading his legs, he takes the most comfortable position he can, tipping the McFlurry™ towards himself before eyeing the M&M’s. They skimped just a bit on the M&M’s, disappointing, he would complain to corporate later, and probably to Illumi as well.    
  
Taking off the top to the McFlurry™, he uses his other hand to unbutton his pants. The anticipation of what is to come has his heart rate increasing. This is the pinnacle of his week, something he had previously bragged to Illumi about doing. Once you hit a certain age, there are only so many things to be found enjoyable.    
  
Reaching into his tighty-whities, the magician pulls out his dick, giving himself a few strokes as he licks his lips. The shape and vibrant colors of those M&M’s is causing his breath to catch in his throat. The vanilla ice cream is now stained with swirls of various colors, chocolate exposed on some of the candies.    
  
“How lewd, undressing before me~.” He whispers to the McFlurry™, drawn in by the seductive show of chocolate.    
  
Bringing the cup down beneath the table, Hisoka carefully inserts his dick, trying hard not to frighten the young M&M’s which have not yet undressed within his presence. Surely after a few thrusts, the heat of his passion will have melted the candy coating from the small chocolates.   
  
The ice cream is freezing against his heated length, the sensation draws a shudder from him, his head leaning back against the metal backing of the chair as he swirls his dick as though using it to stir the frozen dessert. From where he is seated in the restaurant, other patrons are unable to see him, however, should an employee choose to exit the kitchen, they may have the unfortunance of settling their gaze upon him.    
  
As Hisoka thrusts himself into the swiftly melting ice cream, he releases a small moan as the melted ice cream dribbles out onto his lap, the M&M’s acting like small beads rubbing against his dick. This sensation rivals the detergent for many reasons, the primary one being the various textures, the second one being the temperature. Melting ice cream has a specific feeling as it forces itself up his urethra, particles of crumbled M&M shells embedding themselves inside the delicate tube. The pain he will experience the next time he uses the bathroom will just remind him of this wonderful experience.    
  
Dropping the lid to the McFlurry™, Hisoka uses his now free hand to press on the bun to the Big Mac, rubbing off more sesame seeds before thrusting his fingers between the meat patty and the lettuce. A louder moan erupts from him, one unheard by the other patrons drowning in thoughts of their own meals.    
  
“This is… so McAmazing…” He groans, his body occasionally twitching in ecstasy as he continues to prod the inside of the Big Mac with his free hand. More ice cream begins to melt through his pants, dripping onto the chair and the floor below as he picks up the pace. The paper cup gives slightly beneath his tight grip, his posture now a bit slouched as he firmly presses the cup hard against himself.    
  
Partially crumbling the cup in his hand, he cums as the rest of the ice cream drops onto his lap, titillation overtaking him once more as he eyes the McCrispy fries and Big Mac still awaiting his heated touch.    
  
Discarding the cup on the floor, Hisoka pours out the french fries before grabbing the partially destroyed Big Mac. Just as the ice cream had been McDesecrated, the Big Mac owed him some  _ attention _ of its own.    
  
He is rough, his turgid length forcing out tomatoes and an orange mystery sauce. The spices burn as they infiltrate his damaged urethra, but the pain only McExcites him more. Out of the corner of his eye, the jester catches sight of the McDonald’s mascot, Ronald McDonald, his eyes glazing over as prurient fantasies about railing the clown over this table---begin to fill his mind.    
  
As he nears his climax, Hisoka vividly imagines Ronald holding the Big Mac for him, repeating “I’m McLovin’ It! I’m McLovin’ It!” like a broken record as the jester aggressively fucks the burger. This is most certainly what the fast food clown had in mind when designing the burgers, why else would their ads be so arousing? Why else would Ronald himself be so sexy? It is unbearable.    
  
For the second time, the magician finishes, creating a mess underneath the table and on the floor. The burger in his hand is now a mess, the bun is torn in multiple areas, the meat patty is falling out, and all of the veggies have since fallen to the floor. Picking up the burger, he eyes it for a moment before returning it to the cardboard box it had arrived in. Ronald would be disappointed to know the burgers here are so delicate.    
  
Rising from the carnage, he tucks his dick back into his tighty-whities, buttoning up his pants before boarding his Segway™ once again. Burgers like this are not fit for use.    
  
Driving his Segway™ across the McDonald’s dining room once more, the hum warns the employees of his approach. Cutting in front of the first person in line, he drops the closed Big Mac box on the counter.    
  
“This is not as McFresh as I’d like it to be.”    
  
Glancing at the box, the cashier looks up at Hisoka before cautiously reaching forth, opening the container to look at the burger.    
  
“Sir… this burger is… destroyed…” Her tone is now monotone, all life appearing to have left her body.   
  
“That is the issue, I’ll need another one.” Hisoka persists.    
  
“You do this every week…” The cashiers eyes are glazed over, she does not understand this man, nor does she want to. Glancing down slightly, she can see the remnants of the McFlurry as well as the burger on his previously white pants. The nightmare never ends.   
  
“Yes, and every week you disappoint me. I’ll take the new burger to-go.”    
  
Turning away from her, Hisoka swiftly backs up his Segway™ knocking into an adult this time, though not a single person dares to breathe a word to him about it. Instead, they all watch in a horrified silence as he drives the two feet down the counter to wait for his new burger. The cashier at the counter stares at the open box of the Big Mac for a few quiet seconds, pushing it away before looking up.    
  
“Hello! Welcome to McDonalds! What can I get for you?”   


**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what sort of message I send when I post a bunch of serious/violent fics, and then this one... I'm craving a McFlurry though.


End file.
